by TRANSFORMATIONAL LIFE-COACH RIMA DESAI
In this article, I share with you a high impact, highly effective technique to reduce your daily stress. These techniques are quick and easy. They can be practiced on the go – in the shower, at the traffic light, before bed, upon waking up or anytime in the day when you have just 2 minutes. Yes, in just 2 minutes of your day you can transform how your mind and body feels! Read on…
It was the summer of 1997, I was 16 years young, helping an infant fall asleep. The mom was out on a walk and her infant boy woke up in his sleep, I put him on my shoulders, tapped him gently and soothed him back to sleep. After 20 years, I still remember that feeling because it was ‘paradise’ – the sense of fulfillment I got from having a baby in my arms. All I wanted to be then, was a Mom! That dream came true in 2009 when I realized I had a baby growing in my womb.
It feels amazing to be a Mom, from conception to delivery and through the growing years. What we do not know before conception though, is the forever ‘Mommy Stress’ that is to follow. The stress is not just the fact of having kid/s to care for in so many ways, but the family dynamics, the body dynamics, lack of time for self-care and lack of support that comes with it. We are largely still a traditional society. We do not get the freedom to take down time, breathe, live, love and laugh like we would before we were a mom or a wife.
I am a practicing Life-Coach for Women since 2 years now and my core clientele is MOMS. I teach moms from across the world, life-skills and coping strategies to manage, reduce, alleviate stress, depression, anxiety and the constant sense of ‘overwhelm’ that prevails through our life years. All of my clients learn these powerful 2 minute techniques to quickly alleviate stress and feel a deep sense of calm. This is commonly known as ‘Grounding’ or ‘Centering’ in USA. I have received excellent feedback from my clients with my grounding techniques.
WHAT DOES ‘GROUNDING’ MEAN?
Understanding physiology helps add benefit to an activity. Grounding is a technique to connect back to the ‘ground’ or ‘Earth’. We are made of 5 elements: air, water, earth, fire and ethers. Our feelings are held in the heart chakra area in the center of our chest. We process our thoughts in the brain – which is away from the ground/earth. When we are stressed, we are essentially engaged in our ‘thoughts’ or ‘feelings’ – something that is more ‘airy’ in nature or in other words we are moving into our abstract, etheric body, away from the grounding reality of our biological self. The more stressed we get, the deeper we dive into the air, floating element which can give rise to feelings of insecurity, anxieties, worry, feeling unsafe, etc.
By grounding ourselves, we bring our attention back to the physical body, reconnect with the Earth we live on and that brings a sense of security and calm. It also helps us stay in the ‘HERE and NOW’ as vs. in the “What Was” or “What ifs”.
BENEFITS OF GROUNDING
- Immediate stress reduction
- Higher frustration tolerance
- A sense of emotional calm and security
- Better emotional immunity
- Direct impact on health and your relationships
- Increased focus at work
- Being more ‘present’ for your family
- Increased self-confidence
- Great technique to be used in depression, anxiety
- Excellent technique for high stress situations like interviews, exams, difficult situations, etc.
HOW TO GROUND YOURSELF
You need 2 to 4 minutes of your time. If you have more time, you can use upto 10 minutes as well but 2 minutes is enough too. Step 1 to 5 is the shortest grounding technique you can apply. You may continue if you have more time.
- Sit up or stand as straight as you, this helps move energy in a flow, through your central nervous system, creating circulation movements required for healing (that’s why we sit up straight during meditations or lie on our backs).
- Close your eyes
- Take your mind to your breath and notice how you are inhaling and exhaling. Feel the calm in the rhythm
- If there are any thoughts coming to your mind, allow them to pass like passing clouds
- Take your mind to your feet and deeply feel the textures around your feet
- Imagine your worries, thoughts, feelings are like extra clothes on you like a jacket or a robe. Remove the robe/jacket and put it away. You can also imagine your stress to be like falling leaves or rocks that you throw away.
- Bring your mind back your breathing. As you breathe out, imagine releasing all your uncomfortable feelings, fears, worries, feelings of being stuck, sad, angry or burdened and you breathe in, imagine taking in confidence, love, harmony, joy and a sense of safety.
- You may also imagine breathing in your favorite colors for that day in the form of rays or ribbons to add to a sense of comfort and calmness.
- Add your own creativity with a positive focus. E.g.: You may add shimmer around you, rays of white light falling above you.
- There are deeper levels of grounding which you can dive into. HEAR MY SHORT VIDEO TUTORIAL.
HOW OFTEN SHOULD WE GROUND OURSELVES?
Did you know that we are exposed to constant stimulation in so many ways in today’s world. Stimulation means the use of our 5 senses to take in information. We are constantly hearing sounds, seeing movements, feeling textures in the real and reel world combined. We are also unknowingly smelling subtle fragrances and eating at intervals which keeps our sense organs ‘heightened’. Since the sense organs are the gateway to our MIND (emotional body processing), soothing our sense organs. We also take in upto 75,000 thoughts in a day!
By now it must be easy for you to answer this question. We must ground ourselves DAILY, preferably twice or 3ce a day. After all it is a 2 minute activity.
YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS ACTIVITY
Please share your thoughts and experience with this activity. I have seen massive changes in my clients with this simple, highly effective technique. I want you to know that small changes can create big impact. There is one KEY word here: CONSISTENCY. You cannot see an impact by doing this once or twice or without continuous commitment. If we cannot commit 2 minutes to ourselves daily, we are missing out on LIFE. We are losing ourselves to what matters most – our stability, our health, our family, our life!
ALSO READ: HOW TO MAKE PARENTING EASY
At some point of life or another, each one of us feels the chaos of the Crossroads of life. A churning within which is difficult to express and even harder to get through. Hardships or challenges often come in unannounced ways where we reach a breaking point of having to ultimately make a choice.
One of those huge challenges for me was to get down to the blunt reality of life. My choice was to continue staying in a marriage which I was finally well aware and in acceptance of as – A Loveless, Dead, Emotionally Apathetic Marriage which I had responsibly lived for 11 years. I had given it all I had, even more and waited for magic to happen long enough. But finally, I had decided to get over my denial. But just like we say that Ignorance is Bliss, it did seem so real for once. Was ignorance bliss? Now, knowing what I knew, I had the crossroads of making a CONSCIOUS CHOICE – To move out and bear the burden of a 7 year young with an almost nil bank balance, no real career given a 10 year lag of working permit in foreign lands OR continue being the Master of Pretense.
This was the real deal, the real test of my life, my strength, my sanity and above all the test of FAITH. I didn’t have any answers to WHO to go to, HOW to do it, WHEN to do it, WHAT exactly needed to be done, WHERE to go and I was shaky about the WHY.
What led me through all of that was one thing – A deep inner KNOWING of what felt right and the COURAGE to do it anyway. My story is long and rather magical after that. But in short, I took the leap of faith and I can proudly say now that behind every Super Successful Leader you have ever known, was a BEGINNER’s SOUL. You have to take the 1st step forward and allow to ‘Be Guided’ on the rest.
I was divinely guided by a Team of Humans in the form of Life-Coach, Hypnotherapist, Psychic, Healers whom I sought help from, paid when it felt insane and then followed the Magical journey of the DIVINE GUIDANCE from a Team of inhuman (Supernatural) forces like Angels, Spirit Guides, Deities and more which flipped my barren life terrain into a beautifully flourishing meadow.
Confused just like I was? START ANYWAY and GO FOR IT. SEEK HELP. You Deserve Support, Success and Joy!!
~ ONCE A BEGINNER, NOW A LEADER~
“How can you invest in yourself today for a promising tomorrow?”
– Life-Coach Rima Desai
Have you known anyone highly depressed, anxious and suicidal? Have you seen them completely transformed from that WITHOUT the use of any medications? I was once that – a totally depressed teenager with suicidal behaviors. But something drastically changed my life and it started with something small, a choice. Here is a VIDEO on SUCCESS, MIRACLES, LIFE!
WHAT DOES INDEPENDENCE DAY MEAN?
Often times we get bogged down by people, experiences or situations that seem crippling or harsh. While has it’s way to whip us, we ALWAYS have a choice! To consider ourselves helpless at any point of life, is to ‘give-up’ on life and ourselves. On July 4th, I would like you to celebrate your HERO within.
Dr. Viktor Frankl – victim and survivor of the Nazi camp who was subjected to severe abuse in the camp, lost his family as well, has set the most extraordinaire example of Freedom and Psychology. Viktor Emil Frankl is the founder of logotherapy, which is a form of existential analysis, the “Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy”. Reading ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ at a very young age, inspired me and helped me facilitate the limitlessness I could find within myself. Below, I share a big, inspiring message with you all –
“If there is nothing I can change about the situation, I can change my attitude towards it” @ Create freedom in your thoughts. ~ Life-Coach Rima Desai
READ MORE ABOUT VIKTOR FRANKL: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viktor_Frankl
Big Money! The green notes, “paisa duniya ko gumati hai” (money runs the world – in Hindi). “Sahi kaha” (as in rightly said).
But it is the dark truth that we need money and we need more. The daily demands of living are increasing and so are our debts. Why don’t our pay cheques then catch up as well? What really is the secret to making more money quickly and easily?
My money awareness started about a year ago, when I realized I had really nothing much to ‘bank’ on. For ten years I had no work permit, I was living off my husband’s hard earned money with little, almost no savings. My self-esteem had obviously no ropes for staying at home, I was given little value and I myself felt like I wasn’t contributing enough.
I find it weird that in U.S.A. so many thousands, (no exaggeration) of men and women blindly plunged into I.T. as their new career in this new land simply because it promises jobs and a great income to start with. I have seen many people totally oblivion to I.T., get a starter in big companies. They do so by submitting ‘fake’ certificates acquired from India and by doing short, quick courses to get important prior knowledge to start off. Firms in USA hire us Indians/Asians because not only are the certificates convincing but also was the fact that Asians are extremely smart and hard working. No lies. We are intelligent, we know how to sweep our way through the tunnels of success no matter what!
My struggle has been the choice between doing what I love and doing the ‘smart’ thing as others call it. They all say, it is smart to get into I.T. as the pay cheques start anywhere from $4000 a month! But I.T. is not anything close to what I love doing. I am an all in and out people person and love Psychology to the core. However, in USA my degree is considered as good as useless because for one, I studied from a developing, 3rd world country and for two I do not have a Ph.D. required for practising as a Psychologist. Even to teach, I would have to go through a whole process to get my teaching certification, learn the latest Psychology terms, pass exams and more. Studying another Masters of Psychology from USA even for one year, would cost me up to $28,000.
Here was what my thought process was 3 years ago: “I studied Masters in Psychology from Mumbai, India. Studied thick books, tough terms, as good as law and toiled all those years for nothing?! To stay home for an entire decade and rot in my brain and life with no success?” I was going through a major identity crisis alike many other immigrants. I felt outcasted career wise, there was no place for me to set foot.
Life had swept my career off my sweep in a jiffy and held me captive for 10 years. After being released from 10 years of that prison, not only was my mind blank, my heart was blank too. The clouds of confusion had gotten under the thick boots of determination.
Don’t get me wrong, I am the typical Type A, go getter personality. So, I could not possibly sit there allow life to consume me. It sure did but while it was demolishing the empire of dreams I once had, I began to write a new story. I was building a mini castle of faith and joy for myself.
I was enrolled as a student in Transformational Life-Coaching Certification from SWIHA, I started holding camps for children from home, I was writing and publishing articles in well-known networks and yet I was earning close to NOTHING. Fast forward a few years, I received my Green Card in 2016 and started working in a day-care. In no time, I was working in a Montessori and now in USA’s largest Charter School working with Special Needs’ Children as a one-on-one Para. I typically get to work with low functioning, high autism, ADD/ADHD or other special needs’ children. Finally, my passion and talents from psychology were beginning to come together.
I am also Life-Coaching Women one-on-one now, helping them realize their passions and follow their dreams, making tons of inspiring Facebook Videos for women and holding side classes for preschool children from home. I am sure not making a whole lot of money YET, but my heart is fulfilled with how I am giving back my gifts and talents to the world and doing what I desire. No regrets if I die tomorrow!
It impacted my self-esteem deeply and to know that we were going deeper into the debts we held in USA was even more stressful. In other words, no money to invest, no starter support, no educational support, no work experience to show for a decade, only my WILL-POWER, MY SPIRIT. But what if God offered me all the other things at the cost of not having WILL-POWER, not having a STRONG DRIVE? What would I chose?
I would chose my internal drive at the expense of giving up all other resources and that is exactly what my career path has proven to me, I have proven it to life.
I have proven that I won’t compromise my passion for a paycheck, my will power for support, my internal drive for outside resources. If I have a choice of either, I will always chose the former. I have now, after 10 years, set myself on a tough journey of building my career by myself, as a Single Mom, in a foreign country, with lack of capital or other important resources but I know that I can CREATE my own network, my own resources and the Universe will have my back for living a life where I am TRUE to my TALENTS and my PASSION.
Do you relate to my story? Do you have a similar strong drive to share your gifts with the world? Everyone who tells you – “It won’t happen” is your ultimate RESOURCE to make it happen. Because they said it to you, now you can do it even more, even better~ Go for it Wonderful Woman ~ Follow your passions!! Watch my VIDEO HERE
What if we were to use our intelligence to enrich our lives over and beyond the money factor? For sure, some of us are made for IT and have that carved deeply in our ‘passion’ book. But for scores of others, it is just a ‘job’ that starts with another ‘draggy’ day and ends with another pay cheque. Do you really enjoy the feeling of working 9 to 5 or rather 7pm to 9 pm for that pay cheque, pension plan or bill that gets paid? Or would you rather have MORE MONEY THAN YOU CAN SPEND and enjoy every bit of earning that money, love your life for it and not feel half as stressed or weighed down by the challenges that the work presents.
I want you to hear my video above, hear my inspiring story, see what life has in store for you!
Life is a journey they say, for me it was a journey from being born ‘FAT’ to staying ‘FAT’ no matter how hard I tried. Whatever I had lost, I had gained it back and even more within a few months or years. My family was super happy to have a chubby 9 lbs baby with white cheeks dangling around as ‘fun’ toy for everyone. L-O-L but did I know then that the weight would become the ‘horror’ of my life, my self-esteem and existence!
Being ‘fat’ in the Indian culture (India, Asia) is totally unacceptable. When we meet family, friends – current, old or new, the first greeting starts with a ‘weight tag’. If you have lost weight you get all the ‘wah-wahs’ (thumbs up), if you have maintained it, you get happily surprised faces gleaming half with praise and burning half with jealousy. But if you are anything like me, all you get is JUDGMENT! Major JUDGMENT, COMMENTS about your hips, thighs, stomach and lots of FREE, UNASKED for A-D-V-I-C-E! If you think this judgement came only from other women, you are so wrong. It would start with my Father, be extended to uncles, aunts, friends, siblings, everyone. Growing up I began avoiding family and people in my mind just because I was scared of the comment they had to make about my ‘body’, even my TEACHERS!!!!
Honestly, growing up without a mother was anything but fun. I had nobody to guide me to be honest. My aunts would come home, eat food and leave. Some of them were very kind, but no one was there to guide me toward HEALTHY eating, exercising, let alone help me with my DEPRESSION and GAD – Anxiety! While I was praised for my skin color, my sister was praised for her thin body. I was developing an inferiority complex that was only growing with age. My friends and cousins were thin but I could not seem to get over my ‘sugar cravings’. I DID NOT KNOW I was depressed, we could not afford money for FRUITS, I had no idea was an ACTUAL SALAD was. I was busy figuring out how to ‘survive’ amidst major financial situations, emotional starvation, pressure of school grades, lack of friends, major loneliness and a body that felt HORRIBLE. By 5th grade (10 years) I was already 57kgs!!! I had bouts of being slimmer (not slim just slimmer) and being outright ‘fat’ over the years.
I can go on with that story but at some point in 2005 I discovered how much I enjoyed exercising. I was always in to sports and was a tom boy but never had I been to the gym. I had a huge home to show the world but we did not have money anything close to spending on a basic monthly gym membership, buying any exclusive fruits, shoes or gym clothes! I started nevertheless, with some SHAME, some CURIOSITY. I was so lucky to have found an amazing instructor – Imran Sir who showed me how to use weights to tone my body and I became confidence like never before. I dropped from 61 kgs to 56 kgs, looked ravishing and soon got engaged. Life seemed just fine! …
… fast forward couple months. Married in a traditional family in East Africa, I was expected to do all house chores morning to evening and keep exercising or gyming the ‘last’ priority which wasn’t allowed to be checked marked most of the days. Eating sweets was a daily routine and choosing to eat anything beyond what was cooked was almost not an option. That is how most traditional Indian families are or were after all. I began gaining weight quickly. Fast forward… I slowly began to take charge of my life after the unexpected demise of my mother in law. I joined the gym, found another great instructor – JENNI. She was my angel in disguise. I shaped back to 59 kgs. Alas, that was temporary too!
I got pregnant and within a year, post my delivery I was 84 kgs!!! I was back to receiving comments, feeling ashamed, wanting to avoid social situations, unable to stop my sugar cravings no matter how much I tried. Being the person my dad and I have been, we eat more and binge more when depressed. I surely had it in my genes, all my parental aunts and my dad were heavy in their body and turned to sugar for busting stress but I wondered how did so many other Indian girls remain thin even after a baby and I didn’t!
5 years passed and I continued to range from 178 lbs to 181 lbs. I had moved from Africa to USA by then. Then one day, I had a wake-up call, I would say my Twin soul activated that within me. I was done being fat, feeling ashamed, socially awkward, rejected and outcast. For once, I started a weight shedding journey which was ‘SHEDDING’ not ‘LOSS’.
When we seek to ‘lose’ weight, we will ‘find’ it again at some point. When we seek to get done with it, shed it off, it’s gone forever. But what we need to know about that shedding is that more than the physical weight, what needs to go with it is the SHAME, FEELING OF REJECTION, GUILT OF EATING, VOICES OF OTHER PEOPLE, CULTURAL CONDITIONING and all the EMOTIONAL NON-SENSE that was built up and stored in our cells, bone marrow, aura, spirit and more. That was hence, the turning point in my body-weight journey.
By then I had been diagnosed with hypothyroid, the condition where weight shedding is very hard. But I was determined. I gradually cut down on and eventually gave up DAIRY PRODUCTS, DAIRY (except chocolate cravings that I had then), starting JUICING in my regular blender with ANY veggie combinations, re-began exercise becoming my own instructor (I could not afford paying one in USA). I also gave up the need to look good when I enter the gym but more than anything I BEGAN SERIOUS, INTENSE EMOTIONAL WORK. I began taking Guided Meditations, Hypnotherapy, Life-Coaching sessions to work through my FEARS, my SELF-IMAGE, how I related to my body, how I felt about myself and cried out many tears of the PAST NEGATIVE MENTAL SCRIPTS that I had internalized from the voice of other people and cultural expectations.
That internal, emotional work brought a huge transformation in the way I felt about myself, other women and about my life. I began relating better to my daughter, enjoyed my time with her, dropped my sugar cravings and found more ‘fun’ in life. All of this happened in 2015. Since then, even with major stress in my personal life with major life-changing very stressful events and having an even more complicated thyroid condition, I have managed to maintain that weight +/- 3 lbs. From 2016, I have stalled in shedding more weight simply because I suddenly had the stress and need to urgently start earning and supporting myself financially but what’s amazing is that despite working very long hours daily, major life-demands I have maintained my weight. The reason I have been able to do so is because I changed my EMOTIONAL STORY. I changed how much I would want to please the world and how much I would want to allow my fears to define my body.
I no more want or wanted to shed weight to ‘FIT INTO’ the world, I wanted to shed what made me feel good about my body. I wanted to do it at my own terms, pace and for myself. It has changed everything for me. I am not burning inside now looking at other women lose weight quickly. I am not wanting to starve myself or tell myself horrible statements for eating a couple chocolate squares. I love myself like never before.
I do have lot more weight to shed off and there is scope for me to do more EMOTIONAL WORK and PHYSICAL WORK on my body and spirit, yet it is not coming from a place of SHAME, GUILT or SELF-HATRED like before. My body does not define my emotions, life or self-acceptance. I accept my body and am okay if I don’t ‘fit’ into the society as per their expectations.
THIS IS ME 2 WEEKS AGO :)
Do you relate to this story? Does it move you or inspire you to DISCOVER YOURSELF, YOUR POWER and RECLAIM YOUR LIFE? Allow me to show you the GUIDED MEDITATIONS that you can do to shed that weight off your SUBCONSCIOUS MIND. You can never maintain your weight if you have a negative emotional story attached to yourself, your past or your body. BOOK YOUR FREE PHONE SESSION WITH ME HERE
Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. The breath of a child softly pouring on my shoulder as my arms harness it with immeasurable love, was a fancy imagination. I remember being 15, holding an infant for the 1st time in my life who fell asleep from his cries in my cuddles. 13 years later when Pregnancy found its way to me, I was so ‘out there’ with my imagination of how great motherhood will be.
Blessed with a caring, pleasant girl, motherhood has been anything but a smooth ride. It is fun, it is fulfilling, it is breathtaking. It is also challenging, sometimes ugly, sometimes skirmish.
By the 1st few months after birth, I had forgotten my heels, small fancy purses, lovely hair styles, bright clothes and well done nails. I had in fact even forgotten myself. And it left like, just a few more days until 5 years flew by with a blink and suddenly it dawned to me “why is the mirror no more my friend?” “Why does my body and mind feel so tired?” “Where is the ambitious, driven Rima?”
I had done great as a mom, great as a wife and daughter in law as well but I had traded all that for ‘myself’. And so slow and steady re-began a journey of self-discovery. A journey of ‘life’ where now my child was my mentor and I was taking ‘birth’. She was here to teach me to love myself, remember myself, care for myself while also loving her, remembering her and caring for her.
How many of you MOMs have walked this path of OVERWHELM, FEELING LOST, FEELING BURNT while also enjoying the loving arms, the gentle kiss and huge smile from your little angel?
“~ I think tons, I think tons.. I feel the wave of the new breeze, it is calling you if you wish to touch it once, it is time to be born once again ~ ”
It is no surprise that parenting comes with huge lessons of ‘overwhelm’ – the common feeling shared by almost all parents if not all. Life feels like an overflowing fountain of ‘demands’ – not demands from children all the time but demands from life. Come to think of it, parenting is a wonderful SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. Many people do not completely understand the word spiritual. ‘Spiritual’ is anything that forces your ‘spirit’ to grow by having to go outside its comfort zone. Spiritual is anything that teaches us better values or to be a better version of ourselves. Having walked a wonderful parenting journey for 7 years and mentoring many parents through articles and direct conversation, I will like to share 5 simple ways to lessen that ‘overwhelming’ feeling and reduce your frustrations.
- Organize your home and learn management skills
- Prioritize social life
- Plan your career life
- Realistic expectations from your child
- Realistic expectations from yourself
- Organize your home and learn management skills – Organization is the master of leadership skills. A great leader is the one who has the skills to multi-task, prioritize, put things in order, stay focused and organized. Remember that being a parent is a lot about being a LEADER.
What happens if your supervisor at work reaches work late, leaves work even later, doesn’t eat on time, has no proper places to file his work and has no idea what the day and week ahead will look like? Same is with you as a parent.
One part of organization is your physical space: how well are your things and your kid/s things kept? Can you tell me in your sleep, where ANYTHING is kept without having to get up – whether it is anything in your kitchen, bedroom, dining, etc. Use organizing bins, trays, holders to make sorting easier. E.g. I place puzzles in zip lock bags, her stationery in a heavy-duty organizer on her table, soft toys in a laundry basket, all bed sheets in one drawer, a drawer for art work, one for miscellaneous items, one for puzzles, etc. My bedroom and kitchen is super organized too.
Another part of organization is time management. How well are you with your routines? If you sleep and wake up more or less the same time daily, your life will be 80% better with your kids than you ever estimated. Your sleep-rest and body cycle has a huge impact on your mood, on your health and amount of energy you feel. Same is with your kids. Do not let them rule your routines, take charge, set time boundaries for them with T.V., eating, sleep, etc.
What you feel, you transfer to your kids. Mentally plan your meals for the next day rather than having to wake up with a huge frustration question mark of – “Now what to cook today?” Standing in front of the kitchen cabinets, scratching your head over breakfast and lunch deals for the day is poor management. Think of every minute of your life as a great investment towards your kids. How many minutes do you want to waste and how many do you want to multiply?
- Prioritize your social life – Yes, we love to party and meet, greet and laugh. But Parenting is a lot about learning to make adjustments, compromises and changes in one’s life. Before my child, I would be out every Saturday and Sunday with husband and his group of friends. Once my child was born, not only did I have to change my routines for the 1st few months, but I made permanent changes to my social life.
I don’t mean to say stop having fun but the AMOUNT and DURATION of your outings can be reconsidered. How much do you want to cook for your guests? Is it important to ‘impress’ them or to spend time with your children? Each day as a trade. When I plan a day in my mind, I ask myself- how many hours do I want to spend today with my child, based on that I make my other decisions. I may not be able to deny guests from coming home or having to attend parties but I surely DEFINE how much energy I want to put into preparations or having to stay at a party. My time with my child is not the time that is LEFT OVER after everything is taken care of, my time with my child is the 1ST thing I set aside or plan for the day and then everything else revolves around it.
- Plan your career life – Once again it is about need vs. demand. What do I demand from my life vs. what I need. For 6 years I dedicated my life, time, energy to my child because I CAREFULLY CALCULATED it this way – once she starts full time school at age 5, she will NEVER EVER AGAIN IN HER LIFE have a FULL WEEK with me at home. She will be spending more time at school than home and never again will I get to PLAN or SPEND 40 hours in a week with her. Hence, I rather set my career aside for those 5 years, even if there were financial challenges, I rather save money and my time with my child than give away that time to a stranger in a day care for whom she will be ‘one of the 20 kids’. That was my choice, you must make yours to what suits you bets. Do understand that time with your kids will never return and make a wise choice based on that along with all the other needs of yourself and your family.
- Realistic Expectations from your child – Would you rather have a ‘smart’ child who attends 5 or 7 different classes and tops in math, academics, dance, etc. or would you rather have a child who tops in ‘the language of love’. While classes can teach your child ‘skills’, sharing valuable time with the parent teaches the child invaluable lessons of love and self-growth. Exploratory play at home can be nurtured by the parent which teaches many skills to the child along with learning to build a bond, show and receive care, feel secure and important. Also, not all kids are made for the ‘A+’ game. Grades is not everything and success is not correlated to grades alone.
Don’t overburden them with expectations that their body or mind is not made for. Focus on their strengths, explore their talents and be realistic about their limitations. A rational and loving approach will make your parenting life easier, simpler and more successful.
- Realistic expectations from yourself – Now tell me that you do this – take over way too much than you can handle. You invite guests today and then accept the birthday invitation for tomorrow, then realize you had bought tickets to a party, then have groceries left to do, wish to be a super mom but also need to be super sexy, want a super skin, miss watching the latest movies and can’t stop browsing the entire world’s Facebook! P-R-I-O-T-I-Z-E !!!
Your kids do not need a super mom. Just be a M-O-M, that itself is great. Chose the top 5 important things in your life. E.g. here is my list:
- Spend at least an hour with my daughter on weekday and 5 total hours with her on weekend.
- Health – exercise 4 days a week, eat healthy 5 days a week, care for skin / hair twice a month (not the priority right now).
- Career – Advance in one’s career at a steady pace and build business slowly on the side.
- Socialize – Have an enjoyable outing 2ce a month if not more and call any close friends and family members every 2 weeks. (No receiving calls on weekdays or times when I spend with her).
- Learn – learn something new every month either from book, training, observation, etc. (No reading news or news channel, Facebook only to learn new skills).
I hope this article helps you settle down some of your frustrations and overwhelming feelings of parent-hood.
It is nice to be hopeful that life will continue well and it is wise to be realistic that life can change anytime! Make the most of today. Investment in your kids is the greatest investment you can ever make and that is not about how much money you invest in them or their future, it is about how much QUALITY INTERACTION you live with them in this very moment, HERE and NOW.
When parents come to me frustrated – having ‘tried’ everything they could for their child’s TEMPER TANTRUMS, my heart goes out to them. Parents are innocent to the extent they do not know what is really happening. After knowing if parents do not take appropriate action then we can call it irresponsible behavior on the parent.
UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM BEFORE JUMPING TO THE SOLUTION
The reason why nothing works is because we have not understood the problem correctly or completely. Jumping to a solution without knowing the actual problem never brings results. So what is the actual problem when a child shouts, screams, stomps, acts stubborn? The problem is in the way we perceive the child’s behaviour. We believe the child WANTS to be difficult, needs that cookie or TV time and that’s why the child is wrong.
The truth is that the child is looking to fulfill another EMOTIONAL NEED through this behaviour. Not all children throw temper tantrums and anyone who sells you into the TERRIBLE TWOs idea is not completely right. Tantrums are a way for kids to express EMOTIONAL PAIN. It is an emotional wound. What would you do when your child had physically hurt, really badly? Would you not rush to soothe your child and do a remedy with ‘LOVE’ vs. criticizing?
Our children scream and shout because and only because they see OTHER ADULTS scream and shout, most likely one or more of their immediate care givers. We have taught our children that ‘shouting and screaming is THE WAY to solve problems’. It is not their fault. They are only imitating us! Think again before you show them CARTOONS, NEWS, TV SHOWS that portray VIOLENCE and POWER as a means of problem solving or ‘winning’ over the good or the bad.
It is human nature to scream or shout when one feels overwhelmed from the situation. It is the ultimate height of frustration.
Children get frustrated because they feel misunderstood. They do not have words in their mental dictionary to recognize and say – “I am stubborn for the cookie because IN REALITY I am feeling LONELY or UNWANTED…” It is for US to understand what the underlying emotional need is. Maybe they were ill-treated in school or they feel criticized by other adults. Maybe they feel rejected or simply miss spending time with us and our personal attention. Have you been way too B-U-S-Y lately?Maybe they are being ‘abused’ in some way. We are their only support. Please let us understand our children. A child who regularly or often throws temper tantrums is in IMMEDIATE and URGENT EMOTIONAL NEED.
We must accept that we throw tantrums as well! If we don’t accept our mistakes and improve, neither will our children. We shout, scream, get angry at our children and others. Even if we don’t anger our kids, they watch us communicate with others. They learn by seeing us with others as well.It could be that you are facing tough situations at home, at work or through your in-laws. That is understandable and yet, it is our duty to get support for ourselves so that we can raise children in a stable manner. Some ways to VENT out our frustrations and anger are: Pen it down on paper, talk to a friend who will be non-judgmental, take coaching or counseling sessions (very helpful), play sports and exercise, improve eating and sleeping habits, discuss with your family members how they can improve and support you, move out of highly stressful situations or jobs, etc.
Going to counselor or a coach does not mean something is wrong with you or that you will be ‘CORRECTED’. It means that you deserve UNCONDITIONAL and NON-JUDGEMENTAL SUPPORT and CARE along with expert advice.
Take time out. Understand yourself. Be observant. When your pressures are rising and you are about to hit the frustration mark, let your kid/s know that you are feeling ‘OVERWHELMED’ and need to calm down before you continue the conversation (no matter how imp., take a break!). Tell them that you will come back to them once you are able to calmly talk to them.
Same for your kids. Encourage your kids to take time off saying that it will help YOU understand THEM better when they are calmer. They can choose their CALM SPOT in the house beforehand and a favorite soft toy or God to talk to. Allow them that silence and even privacy if needed (Make sure they don’t lock rooms or other adults don’t go after them).
Attending to our kids doesn’t mean bowing down to all their needs. And an angry child doesn’t mean a child who wants to be DIFFICULT or MEAN.
Do you shout at your child because you enjoy being difficult, mean or harsh? If your answer is NO, same applies to your child. Children don’t want to ‘get into trouble’. Nobody likes being criticized. They are in serious emotional help and if their IMMEDIATE care givers cannot give them the sense of security, who will? As parents, we are the epitome of a SECURE WORLD FOR THEM. If they don’t get it from home, they will never get from anywhere!
On the other hand, let’s say your child is truly ‘out-of-hand’. That your child truly wants to manipulate and ‘get things out of you’. Yet, once again here you the parent have set that behavioural theme at some point. The child has LEARNT that I can get things out of my parent/s if I cry, throw fits, etc. Once again the problem is not with the child but with the parent who thinks “Jaane dete hai. Bechara bahut ro raha hai”. This is the ‘Easy way out approach’.
In reality, often times you don’t want to give in to the child but it is easier than dealing with the drama. If you could stay firm yet polite means clearly state, repeat and then stay silent with the same ‘mantra’, it would help you send the right message to your child.
E.g. – “No matter how you show me your anger, it is not T.V. day today.. However, I would love to spend 10 mins. (or more) of hide and seek (or anything you like) with you. I miss it so much. Tell me when you are ready for it. I will wait for you in my room until then”.
In our original Hindu Scriptures it is clearly written that not only should children respect elders but elders must ALSO respect those younger to them. It is also stated that when an elder person is wrong, a child has the right to correct them. These shlokas are said out during pujas like Satyanarayan puja and if the pujari is wise, he explains it too!
It is sad that our culture today only teaches and even FORCES kids to RESPECT adults and by respect they mean – “Never correct your adults”. On Janmashtami Day I want to spread this message. Lord Krishna is our perfect example who has taught us that wisdom does not come with age in one birth, it comes with the age of the Soul which can be way wiser than any adult and that one must also stop adults with wrongful behaviour/s.
I hope this helps! There is a lot more about Anger Management and Tantrums but this is the basic, most important foundation to it!
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