ow do some parents get it ‘right’, their kids don’t throw tantrums and they seem to have the best bond, is it just about having an easy kid or good luck? I want to share MY RECIPE OF SUCCESS which involves ZERO TIME-OUTS. Put in simple words it is called MINDFUL DISCIPLINE. I want you to know that this works with difficult kids, special needs’ kids, bad kids and easy kids. It is applicable to EVERY and ANY situation in your life with your child. It will MASSIVELY improve your relationship with your child, reduce your stress and improve your health all at the same time. It is easy and doesn’t require you to have any special training besides the WILLINGNESS to do it. It depends on how badly you want your relationship with your child to improve.
SUCCESS 1: No Time-Outs. You might think I am crazy, the whole world uses Time out! But that’s why the whole world is stressed and enrolled in Parenting groups ;) I want you to introspect. What is the purpose of punishment, disciplining or time outs? You want your child to learn something and stop repeating mistakes or wrong behaviour. Have your time outs done that so far? Time outs only make children more ignored and more angry. The aim of a discipline is to calm a child and teach them a good lesson, time outs just don’t do that! How would we feel if our family members told us to sit away for 10 mins while either one or many people know that we are in time out. The emotion associated with it is feeling ignored, left out or ashamed. We want to teach kids in a POSITIVE way, not with NEGATIVE or ANY FORCEFUL FEELINGS.
SUCCESS 2: Acknowledge the child’s feelings before you do anything else. “I see how upset you are, how angry you feel. I am feeling angry too”. It is wonderful to show children that it is okay to feel negative emotions and that doesn’t make them negative. Emotions are not negative, actions are. Hence, if you want your child to regulate their anger, 1st teach them to RECOGNIZE those emotions at a go! It is almost like teaching a child to tell you when they are hungry. We are creating AWARENESS here and helping them connect to their inner self.
SUCCESS 3: Model. You cannot teach a child to calm down by screaming at them. They learn more by seeing than by hearing you. If you are pointing fingers and blazing eyes at them, you are TRIGGERING them more and more. If on the opposite you come from a NON-THREATENING STANCE – looking into their eyes with care and just silence and patience, you will get immediate positive results because that breaks down their WALL OF DEFENSE in an instant!
SUCCESS 4: DON’T RAISE YOUR VOICE if you don’t want them to. DON’T Threaten, judge, criticize or reject. Instead, CLEARLY TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO DO- “I want you to pick up your shoes and put them where they belong. I want you to do that every day on your own as soon as you come home from school. I may remind me once or twice until it becomes your habit. If I continue to see you ignore this, you may help me clean all of our shoes”. Did you see how simple this is. Instead of saying “How many times have I told you to keep your shoes in your spot, you just increase my work and are lazy!”If you were a child, which one will make you want to co-operate and change your behavior?
SUCCESS 5: Create productive solutions before hand for the child. May be a chart to remember that when we get angry, our body feels charged up, our hands feel more pressure and heart feels more aggression. To remove that aggression or to calm it down we can either punch pillows, go to our silent, safe spot, talk to our soft toy or use a stress ball. There are tons of wonderful instruments one can use like STRESS BALLS, SOFT TOY PUPPETS, PILLOWS, PUNCHING BAGS, SOOTHING PLANTS, etc to calm one down. Again, if you model that, they will pick it up without you having to TRY TRY and TRY.
SUCCESS 6: Stop judging and blaming your child and even yourself. Saying that “You are doing this wrong and you always do it and blah blah…” doesn’t help anyone. It only makes the child feel horrible, more angry, more defensive and it makes you more and more distant from your child. Creating a BOND IS SO CRUCIAL because in moments of distress, the bond that was built in good times will keep you and your child united. How much does your child trust you, how connected are you with your kids, is there an unshakable bond where NO ONE FEELS CRITICIZED, REJECTED and JUDGED. If so, you have learnt the most important lesson of parenting and life!
SUCCESS 7: Stop reading more and more articles and start applying the basic rules: SHOW LOVE, SHOW CARE and APPRECIATION with words, quality time, not with toys and expensive holidays. LOOK INTO THEIR EYES with genuine support at their physical level instead of standing tall and threatening them. Find solutions, not a way to blame and remove your frustration in some other healthy ways.There is a lot more I can talk about but I want to keep it as short and as simple as possible. Hope this helps. Please share your views and feel free to write me your troubles in parenting. What bothers you, what is hard about your parenting journey, how can I help you make it easier?#LoveHeals